[THE SCENE: Exterior of a polling place. Could be Ohio, could be Texas -- it's unclear from the building itself. An impossibly-well-groomed pollster (impossibly good hair, impossibly good clothes, impossibly cheerful and chirpy) is waiting for voters to emerge from the polls, clipboard in hand. A GROUP of four people approach the pollster, two men and two women.]

 

POLLSTER: Hello there, I'm conducting an exit poll, would you mind if I asked you a few questions?

GROUP: No, certainly... Why not?... Sure, it's OK with me [etc.]

POLLSTER: First, I'd like to ask which primary you voted in.

REPUBLICAN MAN: I voted Republican.

REPUBLICAN WOMAN: So did I.

DEMOCRATIC WOMAN: [pointing to DEMOCRATIC MAN] My husband and I both voted Democratic.

POLLSTER: OK, that's great! I'd like to ask a few questions to the Republican voters first, if you don't mind.

REPUBLICAN MAN: OK, shoot.

POLLSTER: First, for whom did you vote?

REPUBLICAN MAN: I voted for John McCain.

REPUBLICAN WOMAN: Mike Huckabee.

POLLSTER: OK, fantastic. Now, how would you describe yourselves in terms of religion? Are you: Catholic, evangelical, Pentecostal, or snake-handler?

REPUBLICAN MAN: Excuse me?

POLLSTER: Would you describe your religious beliefs as: Catholic, evangelical, Pentecostal, or snake-handler?

REPUBLICAN MAN: I'm Jewish.

REPUBLICAN WOMAN: I'm not religious. I was brought up Presbyterian, but I don't go to church anymore.

POLLSTER: [furrows brow slightly] I'm afraid there's no checkbox for either of those. Why don't I put you both down as Pentecostal?

REPUBLICAN WOMAN: But that's not true -- I just told you I'm not religious.

REPUBLICAN MAN: For Pete's sake, I'm not even Christian!

POLLSTER: Well, it's either Pentecostal or snake-handler....

REPUBLICAN WOMAN: [looks at REPUBLICAN MAN] Well, OK, Pentecostal, but that's really not accurate at all.

POLLSTER: Would you describe yourselves as: pro-life, strongly pro-life, or so strongly pro-life that you base your entire vote on the issue?

REPUBLICAN MAN: I believe the government should get out of people's lives. What goes on between a doctor and a woman is their business, not the government's.

REPUBLICAN WOMAN: I'm actually pretty strongly pro-choice.

POLLSTER: Um, sorry, neither of those is an option. I'll put you both down as just "pro-life."

REPUBLICAN MAN and REPUBLICAN WOMAN: Hey, wait a minute!!

POLLSTER: [cheerfully] Moving on, how would you describe your position on immigration: send all immigrants home immediately, build a 200-foot high fence at every border (including seashores), or send them all to fight in Iraq?

REPUBLICAN MAN: I'm for a comprehensive immigration solution, like the one McCain and Bush proposed.

REPUBLICAN WOMAN: I don't really care about immigration as an issue at all.

POLLSTER: [brow furrows a bit deeper] Well, I'm afraid neither of those is a possible answer.

REPUBLICAN MAN: Didn't you just hear me? My party's nominee and my party's president are for exactly what I just said! How can that not be a choice?

POLLSTER: I'll just put you both down for the fence, that's the least anti-immigrant choice I have. [ignoring their dark looks, POLLSTER bravely pushes on] OK, final question: do you want the next president to bomb Iran immediately, or do you think Bush should do so before leaving office?

REPUBLICAN MAN: I don't think we should bomb Iran, and McCain's stance on this almost made me vote for someone else.

REPUBLICAN WOMAN: I think the people in the Middle East should fight their own battles, and I don't think we should get involved.

POLLSTER: Neither of those...

REPUBLICAN MAN: ...is an option. Yeah, that's what you've said for every question. What kind of poll is this, anyway?

POLLSTER: We take these polls to "take the pulse" of the people voting, so the news media can report on what the electorate is feeling. I know some of the answers are inadequate, but there are just so many opinions that the media can pay attention to in any one election.

[REPUBLICAN MAN and REPUBLICAN WOMAN mutter to themselves, but stay within earshot, as POLLSTER turns to DEMOCRATIC MAN and DEMOCRATIC WOMAN]

POLLSTER: OK, let's see what we've got for Democratic voters... [turns a page on clipboard] ...here we go. First, for whom did you vote?

DEMOCRATIC MAN: Hillary Clinton.

DEMOCRATIC WOMAN: I voted for Barack Obama.

POLLSTER: Super! OK, I just have a few questions for each of you about yourselves.

DEMOCRATIC MAN: Well, I heard your first question already, and I'd like to say that I'm a proud evangelical Christian.

POLLSTER: Oh, no, sorry, those were the Republican questions. My first question to you is what gender you are, but I can see that we have a man and a woman, so I'll move on to the next one...

DEMOCRATIC MAN: Wait a minute! Why aren't you asking us about our religious beliefs? If the media cares what religion Republicans are, shouldn't they care what religion Democrats are?

POLLSTER: Oooh, sorry, the media has already determined that religion is not a factor in the Democratic vote. It's not a demographic we pay attention to.

DEMOCRATIC MAN: Well, why not? I believe that Jesus had a lot to say about peacemakers and treating the poor right, and I look for that in politicians I vote for. Why does it matter what party I'm from? Shouldn't that be important?

REPUBLICAN MAN: [breaking in from the sidelines] Yeah, and if you're going to ask the question, then at least have enough choices to cover me!

POLLSTER: [frantically flipping papers on clipboard] Hey, you're in luck -- somebody wants some sidebar information on how Jewish Democrats are voting! Would you like to answer those?

REPUBLICAN MAN: I'm not a Democrat!

DEMOCRATIC MAN: I'm not Jewish! I'm evangelical, I just told you!

POLLSTER: [further flipping pages] Oooh... how about this... a piece on the pagan/Wiccan vote that someone's writing as light news? [turns to DEMOCRATIC WOMAN] Are you a pagan or a Wiccan?

DEMOCRATIC WOMAN: I'm actually Buddhist.

POLLSTER: Isn't that close enough?

[DEMOCRATIC WOMAN looks like she's about to take a punch at POLLSTER, and DEMOCRATIC MAN quickly intervenes]

DEMOCRATIC MAN: Look, let's just answer whatever questions you do have for Democrats, and get this over with.

POLLSTER: [flips back to generic Democrat page] OK, well, we've got gender covered, so the next question is: what race are you?

DEMOCRATIC MAN: What race?

POLLSTER: That's correct. Should I put down "white" for both of you?

DEMOCRATIC MAN: I have one Hispanic grandparent, one black grandparent, and two white grandparents. I'm mixed race.

POLLSTER: Sorry, there's no checkbox for "mixed race." Should I put you as white or do you want to be black or Hispanic?

DEMOCRATIC WOMAN: I'm an Indian-American.

POLLSTER: Um, sorry, no box for Native Americans, either.

DEMOCRATIC WOMAN: I'm from India!

POLLSTER: Oh, well, there's definitely no checkbox for that. How about I just put you both down as white? [sees their cloudy looks, and quickly moves on.] How old are you?

REPUBLICAN MAN: [breaking in again from the sidelines] Why did you ask our opinion about stuff, but all you're asking them is what they were born as? What is the point of asking different questions to people in different parties, anyway? Why shouldn't the questions be the same?

GROUP: Yeah!... He's right!... Why is that? [etc.]

REPUBLICAN MAN: [on a roll now] Why don't you care what race Republicans are? There are plenty of minorities that vote for Republicans, but how will we ever know how many if you don't ask? There are evangelical Democrats [motions to DEMOCRATIC MAN, who nods], black Republicans, and Democrats who are pro-life. If you don't count them, then you won't wind up with an accurate picture of what voters really think!

POLLSTER: [cheerful facade finally slips] Look, I don't make up these questions, the mainstream media does! I just get paid to stand here and ask strangers these questions, so give me a break, OK?

[GROUP simmers down somewhat, but still, mutters are heard]

POLLSTER: There's just two questions left... what are your ages?

DEMOCRATIC MAN: I'm 34.

DEMOCRATIC WOMAN: I'm 29.

POLLSTER: And finally... what is your yearly income: below $50,000, below $75,000 but above $50,000, or above $75,000?

DEMOCRATIC MAN: You've got to be kidding. [to GROUP] Let's get out of here, this is a waste of time.

[GROUP exits, stage left]

 

The moral of our story can be found in the news headline that evening:

"Pro-Choice Pentecostals Key For Republicans. Immigration Big Issue For GOP. For Democrats, Older White Men Making Under $75,000 Hold The Edge In Voting."

 

-- Chris Weigant