[An imaginary news interview from the future...]

"This is King Leadhat reporting here in Denver on the night before the 2008 Democratic Convention begins. Before we begin our interview, we have some scenes from the building where the convention will take place to show you. Our correspondent is standing by...."

"Thanks, King. It's a lovely evening in Denver, but as you can see behind me, there is the possibility of a full-scale fracas in the parking lot here. The Michigan and Florida delegations have banded together and are trying to gain entrance to the building. The Democratic National Committee, along with a huge crowd of Obama supporters are just as steadfastly refusing them entry. While strong words have been exchanged, no violence has broken out yet, but the night is young. Clinton supporters have been slowly adding to the ranks of the Michiganders and Floridians, and the atmosphere is tense. Back to you, King."

"Thanks. Have you seen any sign of the superdelegates yet out there?"

"No, they've been laying pretty low."

"Well, thanks for the report, and keep safe out there. We'll check back with you later.

"We have secured an interview tonight with one of those superdelegates, Phineas Q. Finklethwait, from Omaha, Nebraska. Mr. Finklethwait, thanks for being with us tonight."

"You're welcome, Mr. Leadhat."

"As our delegate count has indicated, there are exactly 2,024 delegates who are supporting Barack Obama, and the exact same number supporting Hillary Clinton. You, sir, are the only superdelegate who has so far resisted all attempts to be swayed one way or the other. So, my question for you is: whom are you going to cast your vote for at the convention?"

"Well, to be honest, I still haven't made up my mind."

"If our delegate math is correct, whichever candidate you choose will win the Democratic nomination. Your vote, in other words, will be the most important vote in the Democratic Party. How does that make you feel?"

"Well, there is a lot of pressure, I won't deny that. Bill Clinton called me up yesterday and said he'd wash my car for a year if I voted for his wife. Michelle Obama offered my kids the chance to run around the White House with squirtguns any time they wanted. To tell you the truth, the whole experience is a little weird."

"I'm sure it must be. But do you have any indication of which way you will vote yet?"

"No, I'm still undecided. [Phone rings] Excuse me... Hello? Oh, hello Senator Kennedy. Yes, you told me that before.... No, I don't want a year's supply of clam chowder, but thanks. No, I haven't made up my mind. Look, Senator, I've got to go... I'm filming a television interview. Goodbye now."

"Was that Senator Ted Kennedy on the phone just now?"

"Yes, he's been calling constantly trying to get me to vote for Obama. [Phone rings again.] Sorry, this won't take a minute... Hello? Oh, hello, Lorne. No, I've already told you, I would make a horrible host. I can't sing, I'm not funny, and I can't act. What? You say that would make me a perfect host? Repeat what? OK... 'Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night.' What's that? You say I did that better than Hillary herself? Oh, that's right, she said 'it is.' Well, in Nebraska we say 'it's' I guess. No, look, Lorne... I have to go now, I'm doing a television interview. OK, goodbye."

"And that was?"

"Lorne Michaels. He keeps bugging me to be the host of Saturday Night Live if I'll just vote for Hillary."

"Well, I must say, you certainly are getting a lot of attention. Is any of this helping you make up your mind?"

"Frankly, no. Both candidates have some pretty good qualities and some bad points, but having a schlub like me host Saturday Night Live isn't going to change any of that. Maybe I'll just toss a coin in the end, I don't know."

[Knocking is heard at door. Finklethwait moves off camera, voices are heard, and he returns.]

"King, I'd like to introduce you to my personal bellhop here at the hotel, who calls himself 'Mr. Smith.'"

"Wait a minute, you're not Mr. Smith, you're Barack Obama!"

[Bellhop -- a tall, slim, distinguished-looking black man -- appears on camera.]

"No, Mr. Leadhat, my name is definitely 'Smith' and I'm just a bellhop, sir."

"You're not fooling me, Senator Obama, and you're not fooling America." [indicates camera]

"Well, as a humble bellhop, I'd just like to say to the country that I am here to take care of every need or want Mr. Finklethwait could possibly have, and I would like to do the same for the entire country. If given a chance, America and I can truly stand together and say, 'Yes, we can!'"

[Another knock is heard at the door. Finklethwait again excuses himself, and then returns.]

"Are you beginning to see what I've been going through, Mr. Leadhat? Here is my personal maid, wanting to know if there's anything I need. She calls herself 'Ms. Jones.'"

[Maid appears on camera, wearing a pantsuit uniform and with her blonde hair beautifully coiffed.]

"OK, now this is just getting ridiculous. You are not 'Ms. Jones,' you are Hillary Clinton!"

"Oh, no, Mr. Leadhat, my name is definitely Ms. Jones. I'm just here to make sure Mr. Finklethwait's room is immaculate, and to see if there is anything else he needs. [turns to camera] You know, there are a lot of needy people in America, and if they need a helping hand, I'd be happy to serve. I want the people of America to respond to my 35 years of service by saying 'Yes, she can!'"

[Suddenly, 'Ms. Jones' and 'Mr. Smith' notice each other. The smiles disappear from their faces, and their voices become menacing.]

"King, we're taking up valuable television time, so I'd like to propose that Ms. Jones and I go into the bathroom to see if everything's OK in there."

"Hey, get your hands off me! Yes, King, I think I need to go into the bathroom right now and press Mr. Smith's suit for him."

"Oh, I think you need someone to carry your baggage, Ms. Jones. After all, the phone could ring tomorrow at 3:00 A.M., so I want to make sure you're ready for it."

[The two disappear into the bathroom.]

"Well, this is extraordinary. We're here live with the only remaining undecided superdelegate, and it appears that Senators Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are now in the bathroom apparently duking it out over who will be the Democratic nominee..."

[Crashes and splintering glass are heard from the bathroom, among muffled sounds of yelling.]

"...as you can hear. Do you have any last words for us, Mr. Finklethwait?"

"I just want this to be over."

"There you have it. The last superdelegate will be relieved when it's all over. This is King Leadhat reporting in an undisclosed hotel room... back to you in the studio...."

[My apologies to Brian Eno and David Byrne, but the name was too irresistible to pass up.]

Cross-posted at The Huffington Post

-- Chris Weigant