Making A List, Checking It Twice...
[The Scene: A cozy room lit with a roaring fireplace. Santa sits at his desk, looking over his paperwork, a smoking pipe and a cup of hot chocolate at his elbow. Head Elf enters the room, and speaks to Mr. Claus.]
"OK, big guy, you keep putting it off, but we have got to get to the Washington naughty/nice list. It's almost time to load the sleigh, and we've got to issue orders to the Toy Room."
Santa sighs deeply. "You're right, I've been procrastinating too long. Well, draw nigh and let's see what they've asked for this year."
Head Elf whips out an iPad. Santa leans over to take a look. "Hey is that the new model?"
"Yeah, Steve Jobs got me a beta unit to play with... nice, eh?"
"Steve's been the greatest help this year, I have to admit. The North Pole is indeed Heaven for Steve, coming up with insanely great ideas for new toys for all the girls and boys. But let's get to it... who's on the list?"
"Barack Obama asked for..."
"Let me guess: a second term?"
"No, no, he asked for a quickly-falling unemployment rate for America. In his letter, he says he wants America back to work, and he figures the re-election will take care of itself if we can get unemployment below 7.5 percent by the election."
"How the heck am I supposed to wrap something like that, much less get it down the chimney? Never mind... who's next?"
The Head Elf turns back to his iPad. "Mitch McConnell says he wants some media attention. He complains they all ignore him and run to John Boehner instead. Boehner, on the other hand, wants less attention paid to the fact that he can't control his own caucus."
"What am I? A miracle worker? Tell Boehner he asked for this job, and maybe I'll get McConnell a set of contact lenses so he doesn't look so owly on television... that's about the best I can do. How about the Democratic leaders?"
"Let's see... Harry Reid desperately wants to save his Senate majority."
"That's going to be a tough row to hoe this year. Tell him I'll help shine a spotlight on Elizabeth Warren's campaign, and it's up to the rest of the Democratic candidates to follow her lead this year."
"Nancy Pelosi would really, really like to be Speaker of the House again."
"Yeah, I'm sure she would. Well, she's already gotten her present this year -- the showdown over extending the payroll tax is the best gift I could give Democrats in the House to use in election ads next year. If they blow this one..."
"Well, Santa, after all, they are Democrats. They're not very good at these things, you know."
"Maybe I'll stick a campaign ad script in every one of their stockings this year, just for good measure." Santa sighs. "Who's next?"
"Eric Cantor also would like to be Speaker of the House."
"Hoo boy, that's a stretch. His 'naughty' entry ran to twelve pages. Better luck next year, Eric!"
"We've got two groups of Republicans in the House, those with the Tea Party and those who aren't. The Tea Party folks want to kill any bill Obama's for."
"Lumps of coal all around for them! Besides, they seem to be doing that on their own as it is..."
"The other House Republicans would really like it if the Tea Party Republicans would realize that the first job of a politician is to get re-elected, and stop grandstanding every five minutes."
"Seriously? That's what they asked for?" Head Elf silently passes over iPad, with letter in plain view. "Well, maybe if I give Nancy Pelosi her wish it'll solve that problem. Who's next? The Washington list always depresses me, let's see if we can't wrap this up."
"OK, this will help. Newt Gingrich, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Rick Santorum all want the same thing -- to win the Iowa caucuses."
"What about Jon Huntsman?"
Head Elf flips through his document. "He asked for New Hampshire, instead."
"And Mitt Romney?"
"He asked for, and I quote, 'a personality.' "
"Some things are beyond even my powers. Anyway, it seems like all of these folks have been pretty naughty. Let's give them all scratchy underwear and socks. Ho ho ho!"
Head Elf joins in Santa's laughter. Santa stops abruptly. "Hey, wait a minute, what about Ron Paul? Why wasn't he on that list?"
"We got a note from his office stating in no uncertain terms that asking Santa Claus for presents was not allowable under the Constitution, and that if elected he will put a stop to politicians pandering to elves in such an unconstitutional fashion."
"Oh, well, we've simply got to leave something under his tree for that. How about one of those singing wall-mounted fish? We still have any of those left?"
"I'll have to check the inventory."
"Well, whatever it is, let's make sure it's really, really annoying. A hideous Christmas sweater just isn't enough."
"I'll look into it, we'll come up with something. At the very least, we'll leave him a fruitcake under his tree."
"Ho ho HO! Wow, you crack me up sometimes." The Head Elf joins in the hearty laughter of his boss.
Finally, Head Elf wipes a tear from his eye, while continuing to chuckle. "Let's see who's left... we've got 99 percent of American wishing to see a few Wall Street bankers go to prison."
"Well, you're going to have to tell them that that's up to Eric Holder, not me."
"We got a very strange note from Occupy Wall Street, as well."
"What did they ask for?"
"That's just it... the document is sixteen pages long, but they never seem to agree on what to ask for. They almost asked for their park back, but there was something about a 'block' and then something about 'twinkles,' and... I don't know, it's pretty hard to follow after that."
"Tell them when they get their act together, maybe I can help, but not before."
"Just a few left. Bruce Braley would like his Populist Caucus to get mentioned in the news at least once this year."
"Yeah, he really deserves it, what with all the populism in the air these days. Tell him we'll see what we can do."
"A group called 'Americans Elect' would really, really prefer it if their servers didn't crash during their online convention, as Ron Paul followers flood them with votes."
"Ho ho ho! Tell them even I cannot control Ron Paul's fervent fans!"
"The entire news media who covers Washington would really, really like a nice long Republican primary race, and a few of them even asked for a brokered convention next year. Several suggested letting Ron Paul win Iowa might be the way to achieve this."
Santa's eyes gleam with a twinkle. "Now that would be fun, wouldn't it? Not that those blow-dried mouthpieces deserve any present other than a few brain cells to rub together next year."
"And finally, we've got a rather odd letter from Donald Trump."
"Trump? What's he want? Every year I pack his stocking with coal, and he just turns around and sells it to the power companies. I don't know what to do with him anymore."
"Actually, he doesn't want anything. He's offering us a deal."
"You're kidding."
"Nope, he says that with global warming, he's prepared to buy the North Pole and all its grounds and turn it into lovely condominiums that will be, quote, really classy... it's gonna be huge!, unquote."
"OK, I've got it -- this year, dispatch the Ghost of Christmas Past to his suite on Christmas Eve. Tell the spook to take him back to Hawai'i in the 1960s so that he can watch Barack Obama's mother give birth. Maybe that'll make whatever that thing is on Trump's head prickle. Either way, it'll be worth it just to see the look on his face, won't it?"
[Head Elf exits, laughing.]
Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
-- Chris Weigant
Cross-posted at Business Insider
Cross-posted at The Huffington Post
Follow Chris on Twitter: @ChrisWeigant
I heard some blathering commentator on TV the other day ask plaintively "What's the matter with these Iowans? Months & months of campaigning and still 70% . . . or more! say they don't know who they'll vote for. What is it with these. . . ?" [he didn't say "rubes" but you could tell he wanted to]. Then it occurred to me that perhaps, just perhaps,those farmers are just plain-old-full-of-common-sense-folks and haven't found a real-life thoughtful candidate who's not fixated on the Tea Party Minority's dramatics. They're waiting . . . and waiting. ~ ~ And they aren't all that impressed by "commentators" either. I'll bet that's what they'd ask Santa for.
" In his letter, he says he wants America back to work"
And yet, Obama is all about extending Unemployment so people don't WANT to go back to work and putting off decisions to please his environmental cronies at that cost of tens of thousands of jobs...
Obama doesn't need Santa to put America back to work..
He just needs a pair that will allow him to ignore the lobbyists and do what's right for the country, rather than what's right for the Democratic Party.
"The other House Republicans would really like it if the Tea Party Republicans would realize that the first job of a politician is to get re-elected, ,
I am constrained to point out that this malady is not solely suffered by House Republicans...
"Well, you're going to have to tell them that that's up to Eric Holder, not me."
You mean the SoonToBe Ex Attorney General?? :D
"OK, I've got it -- this year, dispatch the Ghost of Christmas Past to his suite on Christmas Eve. Tell the spook to take him back to Hawai'i in the 1960s so that he can watch Barack Obama's mother give birth. Maybe that'll make whatever that thing is on Trump's head prickle. Either way, it'll be worth it just to see the look on his face, won't it?"
Now THAT was funny!!! :D
HO,
Then it occurred to me that perhaps, just perhaps,those farmers are just plain-old-full-of-common-sense-folks haven't found a real-life thoughtful candidate who's not fixated on the Tea Party Minority's dramatics.
And, of course, since there ARE "plain-old-full-of-common-sense-folks" the idea of voting for Barack Obama never entered their heads.. :D
Michale
279
That's a very nicely turned come-back, Michale. My compliments. Yes, indeed. I sometimes feel I'm "just plain" older than most of Chris' readers. I've been beset, recently, by memories of past politicians who righteously & pugnaciously asserted that any one who disagreed with them was "Anti-American." Joe McCarthy. Dick Cheney. Little point in running the skein into a list. I do yearn, though, for politicians with a sense of humor, -- who could laugh at themselves, like Senator Everett Dirksen who would offer a bill every year to make the marigold America's National Flower. He had another lost skill . . . that of losing graciously. Now how long has it been since we've seen that? No, I'm not wallowing in nightmares, more recalling fondly a quote one Walt Kelly who drew one Wiley Coyote (alias Joe McCarthy) contrasted with his Everyman, Pogo Possum, looking in a mirror and saying "We have met the enemy, . . . and he is us."
Hawk Owl,
One of my intended New Year's resolutions is to ignore Michale.
For some reason that reminded me of a Rowan and Martin skit. Apparently, the Air Force had dropt an atomic bomb on Vladivostok by mistake. As president, Rowan offered to drop one on an equivalently large American City: Jackson, Mississippi.
a pause
then:
"what do you mean, that puts us TWO up?"
I propost that Michale should change his name to KemoSabe
HO,
That's a very nicely turned come-back, Michale. My compliments. Yes, indeed. I sometimes feel I'm "just plain" older than most of Chris' readers. I've been beset, recently, by memories of past politicians who righteously & pugnaciously asserted that any one who disagreed with them was "Anti-American." Joe McCarthy. Dick Cheney. Little point in running the skein into a list. I do yearn, though, for politicians with a sense of humor, -- who could laugh at themselves, like Senator Everett Dirksen who would offer a bill every year to make the marigold America's National Flower. He had another lost skill . . . that of losing graciously. Now how long has it been since we've seen that? No, I'm not wallowing in nightmares, more recalling fondly a quote one Walt Kelly who drew one Wiley Coyote (alias Joe McCarthy) contrasted with his Everyman, Pogo Possum, looking in a mirror and saying "We have met the enemy, . . . and he is us."
I am completely on board with everything you say...
DF
One of my intended New Year's resolutions is to ignore Michale.
Yea, good luck with that!! :D You tried that once... :D
Michale
284
DF,
I propost
As opposed to "pre-post"???
Or would that be post-post??
Sorry, couldn't resist... :D
Michale....
286
One of my intended New Year's resolutions is to ignore Michale.
Yea, good luck with that!! :D You tried that once... :D
Why, right you are, Michale. The thing is, this is a 2 part resolution.
I used to be a legacy database retrieval programmer (one of the best in a decidedly small niche) until my life was totally turned upside down. I've recently decided to start programming again, only this time I'll be doing for myself, and the causes I believe in.
I'm going to do Web programming (not web design, I suck at it). The first program? A comment blocker based on something that I used a long time ago on 538. I'll start with Google Chrome and migrate to IE9 as I gain experience.
Thus, I'll able to ignore you, read everyone else and get on with my life at the same time. My wife wishes to thank you, Michale. Without your {expletive deleted} stunningly ignorant rants I wouldn't have had the energy to do this.
See? You're good for something after all!
The reason why you can never win, DF is because you are defending the position that Democrats are better than Republicans...
You can't win because there is overwhelming evidence to support MY position.
That position being that both are equally bad for this country..
Michale
287
So that is your legacy, Michale? A pox on both their houses? You've offered no alternatives.
Time and again you gleefully describe the futility of the liberals/left. You claim to equally disdain the answers of the conservative/right. You castigate the middle with faint praise, time and again declaiming that ALL are equally to blame.
You have no answers, you have only foul cries of it won't work. Nihilism is the logical end of all your arguments.
I pity you. I really do. My young friends of Occupy might not make things better ... they might indeed make things worse as the union organizers of the '30s did in Birmingham. But they have not given up. You have.
So that is your legacy, Michale? A pox on both their houses?
I calls em as I sees em... :D
You've offered no alternatives.
The only alternative is to take the politics out of governing. To have our leaders put their country before their Party..
I don't see that happening.. At least not in my lifetime..
My young friends of Occupy might not make things better ..
Your young friends are not part of the solution, they are part of the problem.
The entitlement mentality, the attitude that this country owes them a living, that they should have everything handed to them...
THAT's the problem..
But they have not given up. You have.
Yes, I have given up on the hope that politicians would actually put something before themselves..
That hope was killed by none other than your lord and god, President Obama...
You wanna blame someone, blame him..
Michale
289
Thus, I'll able to ignore you, read everyone else and get on with my life at the same time.
Don't have the will power to do it on yer own, eh?? :D
Without your {expletive deleted} stunningly ignorant rants
See, your problem is that my rants aren't "stunningly ignorant". For the most part, they are dead on ballz accurate (It's an industry term :D)
And you can't defend your Democrats because the evidence is overwhelming that your Democrats are as bad, as corrupt and as greedy as you accuse the Republicans of being.
And THAT's why you can't ignore what I post.. :D
But hay... Give it a shot... :D Hope it works out for ya.. :D
Michale
294
The only alternative is to take the politics out of governing. To have our leaders put their country before their Party.
Those are two very different projects. To take the politics out of governing, you change the institutions so that taking sides is a less useful tactic in trying to gain power or get your agenda implemented (or both). To have leaders put country ahead of party (or have any other specific change you want to make in politicians' behavior), you organize to evaluate candidates and influence primaries.
To take the politics out of governing, you change the institutions so that taking sides is a less useful tactic in trying to gain power or get your agenda implemented (or both).
How about this??
Not worrying about gaining power or an agenda and just concentrate on doing what's right for the country??
Michale
305
Not worrying about gaining power or an agenda and just concentrate on doing what's right for the country??
Ya know??? Like Obama does when he is channeling his Inner Bush and kicking terrorists ass all over the globe???
Michale
308
Someone's agenda is what they think ought to be done. It tends to coincide with what they think is what's right for the country -- either because they're trying to do the right thing, or because they're rationalizing.
There are venal SOBs who are willing to screw the country for a bag of silver, and know it. But they're relatively few. For the most part, people who have different agendas really disagree.
There are venal SOBs who are willing to screw the country for a bag of silver, and know it. But they're relatively few.
So then......
Is it fair to say that you would agree that the vast majority of Republicans aren't willing to screw the country from a bag of silver??
That most Republicans really have the country's best interest at heart, that they simply have philosophical differences with Democrats, but that doesn't make them evil...
Would you say that??
"I *did* say that. Would *YOU* say that?"
-Joe Pesci, MY COUSIN VINNY
:D
Michale
311
Michale,
Ya know??? Like Obama does when he is channeling his Inner Bush and kicking terrorists ass all over the globe???
Bush didn't know the first thing about kicking terrorist ass! He still doesn't.
So, no ... Obama wasn't channeling no inner bush. Let's be perfectly clear about that, shall we?
Michale,
So then......
Is it fair to say that you would agree that the vast majority of Republicans aren't willing to screw the country from a bag of silver??
That most Republicans really have the country's best interest at heart, that they simply have philosophical differences with Democrats, but that doesn't make them evil...
Would you say that??
No one worth their own salt would say that!
Most Republicans have already gone a long way toward screwing the country and it has nothing, whatsoever, to do with philosophical differences ...
Damn!
Michale, it's all your fault!!!
Liz,
Bush didn't know the first thing about kicking terrorist ass! He still doesn't.
And yet, there was never another terrorist attack on US proper in his entire post-9/11 presidency...
Further, it's clear that Obama has continued and EXPANDED *Bush's* policies...
If Bush was so clueless as you say, why is Obama having such success being Bush?? :D
Michale
314
Damn!
Michale, it's all your fault!!!
Hehehehehe Ain't that a pain in the patootie?? :D
Michale
315
DerFarm,
Thus, I'll able to ignore you, read everyone else and get on with my life at the same time. My wife wishes to thank you, Michale. Without your {expletive deleted} stunningly ignorant rants I wouldn't have had the energy to do this.
No, no, no!!! You can't ignore Michale! I simply won't allow it.
CW.com without Michale is like ... well, it's like ... Christmas without the Sound of Music, for crying out loud!
And, I mean that sincerely ... I'm not trying to be facetious here. :)
Michale,
Hehehehehe Ain't that a pain in the patootie?? :D
Indeed! Maybe Chris will fix it for me, too ... if he's not too busy fixing all of yours, of course. :)
I guess with the new preview function, there's no excuse anymore ...
That most Republicans really have the country's best interest at heart, that they simply have philosophical differences with Democrats, but that doesn't make them evil.
Philosophical differences are precisely what can make one evil. A tsunami may be horribly destructive, but it cannot be evil. It cannot attempt to commit genocide, for example. If one's philosophy says that causing pain to the innocent is the highest good, and one commits to that philosophy by acting on it, one is evil.
No one's philosophy is perfect. Democrats' philosophy tends to be deeply wrong on various issues. But Republican philosophy is markedly more conducive to evil than Democratic philosophy is.
The options are not limited to "my side is pure as the driven snow" and "each is just as bad as the other".