Fantasy Veepstakes
In today's modern and interconnected world, many avid sports fans enjoy the thrill of pretending to manage their own teams in virtual leagues dedicated to "fantasy football" or "fantasy baseball" and other fantastical and fun venues for outguessing the professionals. Every four years, in the parallel world of politics, the pundits, prognosticators, and various other species of wonk join in their own imaginary gamesmanship, in what is known as the "fantasy veepstakes." Indeed, it is obligatory to write at least one breathless column on the vice presidential selection per election cycle, or they will kick you out of the "Pundits, Prognosticators, And Various Other Species Of Wonk Club."
In order to keep my own membership in good standing, today I am going to take a look at Mitt Romney's possibilities for a running mate to flesh out his ticket. Well, actually, "flesh" is the wrong word to use, because rather than engage in the fantasizing over actual veep choices, instead I am going to look at running mate possibilities from the world of fantasy. These "veepstakes" columns are boring enough, as a class, so we'd thought it be more fun to imagine characters for Romney's ticket, rather than writing endless paragraphs about the likes of Tim Pawlenty and his relative strengths over Rob Portman's budget experience... (ZZZZZ)... oh, sorry, I seem to have put myself to sleep, there. Anyway, you see what I mean. The real choices aren't that exciting to write about, so let's travel to the Land of Make-Believe instead, shall we?
Peering into this fantastical realm, a broad array of fictional characters immediately leaps to mind, any one of which might help balance a Romney ticket. The following list is roughly ordered from least-likely to most-likely, for no other reason than to build suspense and keep you reading this silliness until the end. Where, perhaps, you'll be inspired to make your own suggestion (in the comments) as to a favorite who was inadvertently left off my list.
Ready? Here we go...
Lord Voldemort
"He Who Must Not Be Named" would, of course, make a dandy running mate for Mitt Romney, but this nomination has to be considered a scratch from the get-go. Not only is Mitt Romney the muggliest of Muggles (which would likely horrify Voldemort), but Harry Potter appears to have eradicated Lord Voldemort from this reality. Of course, there could always be a sequel where he springs back to life (see: Dick Cheney), but the chances are pretty dim for a Romney/Voldemort ticket this year. Even if he were, someone's sure to bring up the fact that Voldemort seems to be British, which would also tend to disqualify him.
Darth Vader
Anakin Skywalker seems, at first glance, to be a prime candidate for vice president. After all, he has extensive experience in the role of second banana, after acting in Emperor Palpatine's shadow for so long. Vader also has a deep and commanding knowledge of Republican Party campaign techniques (a.k.a. the "Dark Side of the Force"), which makes him all the more attractive. However, upon closer examination, Vader seems to have a couple of major policy flip-flops under his belt, which would only serve to reinforce the image of Romney as "Mr. Etch A Sketch." Vader also seems currently to be a nebulous entity existing only in some shimmery pseudo-world (or "Jedi Heaven"), which would likely make him a good match for Romney, but then again there is that question of whether he's actually "alive" in this realm. Also, he seems to have compromised his conservative credentials a bit with the other Jedi masters he hangs out with there.
Wimpy
The background character from Popeye The Sailor Man's world has been getting a lot of buzz due to the recent Newsweek cover story, but also has to be considered a non-starter. His economic theory of "gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today" is just a bridge too far for the central Republican Party stalwarts. So we won't have "Romney/Wimpy" bumperstickers to look forward to, sorry.
Mr. Burns
In contrast, we have a candidate from Springfield who sees absolutely eye-to-eye with Mitt Romney on economic matters, in Charles Montgomery Burns. But although Mr. Burns was briefly mentioned, his advanced age almost immediately disqualified him (his Social Security Number is reportedly 000-00-0002, for instance).
Sarah Palin's persona
The only entry on this list who is merely semi-fictional, it should be noted. Palin has existed mostly as a caricature pretty much since the day John McCain announced her as the winner of the 2008 veepstakes for Republicans, which we feel does indeed qualify her for consideration. Her carefully-maintained and managed media persona has, in fact, taken on a life of its own -- to the point where we all remember her most famous quote ("I can see Alaska from my house!") even though it was actually uttered by a spoof of her caricature, and not Palin herself. But Romney will not pick Palin, because he knows that her persona would absolutely dominate the race and overshadow his own candidacy (much as it did to McCain's).
Yosemite Sam
Yosemite Sam was also knocked out of the early running, for his propensity to shoot first and ask questions later. If there's one thing Mitt doesn't need at this point, it is a loose cannon on deck. He's doing so admirably in the "loose cannon" department right now that he just doesn't need the help.
Captain Hook
While Mitt has long admired Hook and sought to emulate him in his business ventures, and while having a handicapped person on the ticket might be seen as a bold move, there would just be too much resistance within the party for someone of such questionable presentation. One high-ranking Republican Party staffer was overheard saying: "He's a longhair, which the rank-and-file GOP voters just will not understand, and would you look at the way he dresses? Those hats? Can you even picture Hook in a conservative suit and tie? No thanks."
Dora The Explorer
The fact that this name is even being mentioned inside the Beltway shows how desperate a campaign can truly get. Briefly considered as a surprise move to entice Latino voters, Dora herself refuses to publicly join any political party, and has stated repeatedly (ever since her name first was floated) that she would refuse the offer if Romney extended it. Also, she's nowhere near the required 35 years of age.
Richie Rich
Richie Rich, at first glance, seems to be too young as well -- but the comic has indeed been around since the early 1950s, so even if he doesn't actually ever show signs of aging himself, he does indeed qualify on technical constitutional grounds. If ever there was a blood brother to Mitt Romney, Richie Rich certainly fits the bill. The two shared very similar upbringings, and both move within the same circles socially. At this point, he has to be seen as a strong contender. Mitt Romney's team is reportedly doing a deep background check, in an effort to figure out what state Mr. Rich hails from. If this doesn't conflict with the four states Mitt has claimed as "home states" then Richie Rich could be a frontrunner.
Gordon Gekko
While "Greed is good!" is certainly the mantra of the Republican Party -- and of Mitt Romney in particular -- sadly, Gekko's prison record has made him too radioactive for inclusion on the Romney ticket. Mitt was said to have personally recommended Gekko, telling his search committee, "The voters won't mind, they love Wall Street guys!" But, in the end, common sense won out and Gekko will not be getting the call.
Rich Uncle Pennybags
Otherwise known as "Mr. Monopoly" or simply "The Monopoly Guy," Pennybags is reportedly on the "very short" list for Romney veep options. On issue after issue, Romney and Pennybags are mirror images of each other. The two reportedly met while at a conference on avoiding property taxes and luxury taxes, and famously hit it off right away. Romney recently had high praise for Pennybags while on a visit to Atlantic City, New Jersey. "Everywhere in this town you drive," gushed Romney, "you are reminded of the power of my friend, Mr. Monopoly." The Romney campaign has even reportedly been polling and focus-testing a brand-new campaign slogan, should a Romney/Pennybags ticket be announced: "Bank error in your favor!"
Caspar Milquetoast
Personally, I don't think any of the aforementioned candidates will be Romney's pick, though. Instead, beating out all the others named as longshots by the rest of the media (Daddy Warbucks, Dr. Evil, Lord Farquaad, Bane, Dr. Octopus, Fat Bastard, and Captain Nemo), this little-known character from America's comic past is quite obviously Romney's best choice. Mitt desperately needs someone who won't upstage him or cause him embarrassment out on the campaign trail, and Caspar Milquetoast absolutely fits the bill. Boring to the point of invisibility, Milquetoast will instead serve to make Mitt look exciting -- a trick not many could possibly manage to achieve. Caspar will also make Mitt appear decisive and bold by comparison -- a trick absolutely no one else could hope to pull off this year.
So, even though he hasn't been seen in America's comic strips for over a half of a century, and even though he seems the darkest of horses, the longest of longshots, and the farthest out of the far-out choices, I'm going to predict that Caspar Milquetoast will win the fantasy veepstakes, and that "Romney/Milquetoast" will be the Republican Party ticket this year.
Of course, I could be wrong. We'll all just have to wait and see, won't we?
-- Chris Weigant
Cross-posted at Business Insider
Cross-posted at The Huffington Post
Follow Chris on Twitter: @ChrisWeigant
Haha great post.
My first idea was Monopoly guy, who been best friends with Mitt since High School, but you've got him covered. Other ideas:
- Mitt Romney. He knows better than 'you people' so why on earth would he need someone else? He has fully vetted himself and passed, although he wouldn't release his tax returns to himself...
- Hobin Rood. The evil twin brother of Robin who, unlike his brother, prefers to rob from the poor and give to the rich. Might be better suited in a senior economic position though.
- Harry Enfield's 'Tory Boy'. This is almost a biography of how Romney grew up. You might not know him - Google and enjoy. A good one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SeLSNzEorbI
ROFL! You've outdone yourself, Weigant. Great article. Ridiculous and worthy of a 6th-grader, but great. "Wimpy," from Popeye The Sailor Man's world. Hahaha! I loved that guy.
If there's one thing Mitt doesn't need at this point, it is a loose cannon on deck. He's doing so admirably in the "loose cannon" department right now that he just doesn't need the help.
Hahahaha! Ah, c'mon. If O can have a loose cannon for a veep, why can't Romney?
I still think Romney would do well to choose Jeb Bush, if he can get him. It would be a signal of confidence to the GOP that they have a good chance of winning. after all, the last winning republican ticket that didn't have a bush on it was literally forty years ago.
"I still think Romney would do well to choose Jeb Bush, if he can get him. It would be a signal of confidence to the GOP that they have a good chance of winning. after all, the last winning republican ticket that didn't have a bush on it was literally forty years ago./
Haha good point. If we are seriously talking about picks, I'd imagine every single person who might actually carry some pull will probably be eyeing 2016 and thus trying to keep a million miles away from associating themselves with Romney. Rubio, who I think would be the best pick given the importance of Florida, has pretty much stated he wants nothing to do with it.
I'd guess he will go with a complete safe no-name with the intention of picking someone that will distract the media for a few weeks (while they vet him/her) so they can stop writing about how awful a candidate he is for a little while...
I found another Harry Enfield character he might go with, the 'Richer Than Yew' man: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHo2pXO_XAI
I still think Romney would do well to choose Jeb Bush, if he can get him. It would be a signal of confidence to the GOP that they have a good chance of winning. after all, the last winning republican ticket that didn't have a bush on it was literally forty years ago.
Good point.. :D
I am still holding out for Condi.. But I realize the prospects are dim and getting dimmer...
But what a dream team THAT would be, eh??
Like I said, with Condi, Obama would do well just to concede the whole thing right then and there. Save a TON of money... :D
Michale
I like Condi, too, but I get the feeling Romney is gonna go for someone who's gonna help him in a battleground, like Portman. Romney doesn't really need someone on the ticket who's gonna give him foreign policy cred, since he and O are tied on that, among likely voters, in Rasmussen's latest poll on the subject:
"Mitt Romney’s campaign portrayed his quick overseas trip as a success. President Obama’s team described the trip as an embarrassment and a gaffe-fest."
When it ended, voters remain evenly divided between the candidates on foreign policy issues. Forty-four percent (44%) of Likely U.S. Voters believe the president is better able to deal with America’s allies. Another 44% say Romney is better for that task....."
I also noticed that Romney is starting a campaign in Ohio, with a couple of spots that capitalize on two of O's biggest gaffes: "You didn't build that," and his bizarre statement about how his economic policies are working: http://youtu.be/LwKNuaC7mds
Here's the other Ohio spot: http://youtu.be/CylDvgsrBxA
"You didn't build that," and his bizarre statement about how his economic policies are working:
Not to mention his "The Private Sector Is Doing Phone" bonehead statement...
I also think that Obama's "You didn't build that" gaffe is going to have a LOT more legs than the Left would wish...
The Left is trying to say it's out of context, that Obama was talking about the roads and bridges..
But it's clear from the grammar and the syntax that Obama was talking about the business and not the bridges and roads...
Yea, Obama spitting in the face of small business owners everywhere and telling them, "You didn't build your business" is a real shot in the arm to Romney's campaign and a real shot thru the heart to Obama's campaign...
I think I'll invest in a "YES MR PRESIDENT, I *DID* BUILD MY BUSINESS" T-shirt.. :D
Michale.....
Not to mention his "The Private Sector Is Doing Phone" bonehead statement..
WOW..
I don't know WHERE the hell THAT came from...
That, of course, should read:
Not to mention his "The Private Sector Is Doing FINE" bonehead statement..
DOH!!!!
Michale.....
Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Obama's team have a tonne of Romney gaffes lined up that they can use and out of context quotes they can use. Think: let Detroit go bankrupt, I don't care about the very poor etc.
At the moment they don't need to though, just telling voters about Romney and his policies (which all polls show are unpopular) is more than enough and they are already marching ahead in battlegrounds...
Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Obama's team have a tonne of Romney gaffes lined up that they can use and out of context quotes they can use. Think: let Detroit go bankrupt, I don't care about the very poor etc.
If they had those, or if they thought they would be successful, Team Obama definitely would use them.
They can't though, because the Democrat of Democrats, Bill Clinton has put his Stamp Of Approval on Mitt Romney.. Romney is "sterling" in Clinton's opinion...
No, I don't think Team Obama has anything that's CLOSE to being as devastating as Obama saying, "You have a business?? You didn't build that!"
That just cuts to the CORE of what America is all about..
And with that small phrase, Obama has proven beyond ANY doubt that he just does not get it...
Michale.....
But it's clear from the grammar and the syntax that Obama was talking about the business and not the bridges and roads...
Even if he WERE talking about bridges and roads, it would still reveal that he doesn't seem to know that We, the People, built those bidges and roads with OUR tax dollars. We paid for the materials; we paid for the labor; and those roads and bridges belong to us, not our federal public servants. Either way you slice it, he clearly demonstrated, with that statement, that he doesn't even understand such basic, fundamental things as that.
Wow, I don't think there's anyone out there who knows how to waste production and media dollars better than Move On: http://thehill.com/video/campaign/241807-moveon-speaks-for-pampered-horse-rafalca-in-anti-romney-tv-ad
Last derail of this thread. Let's get back on the VP topic. You can reply once to this and that's it, agreed?
If they had those, or if they thought they would be successful, Team Obama definitely would use them.
Read my post. They don't need to. Romney + his policies will do all the damage necessary. Obama can keep these up his sleeve.
They can't though, because the Democrat of Democrats, Bill Clinton has put his Stamp Of Approval on Mitt Romney.. Romney is "sterling" in Clinton's opinion...
The same guy that said 'Every time I hear Mr. Romney talking about this I think his Daddy must be turning over in his grave'. I don't think so. The same guy lined up to speak at the convention? Listen to his love of Romney then...
No, I don't think Team Obama has anything that's CLOSE to being as devastating as Obama saying, "You have a business?? You didn't build that!"
There's plenty of out of context quotes and gaffes. Lets see:
- I'm not concerned about the very poor
- I like being able to fire people
- Let Detroit go bankrupt
- I support tough gun laws
- I should tell my story. I’m also unemployed
- I like mandates. Mandates work
etc etc.
And NONE of those even TOUCH the damage that "you didn't build that" has inflicted on Obama..
The American public LOVE that Romney is a successful businessman..
The American public say, OVERWHELMINGLY that they prefer ROMNEY to fix the economy over Obama.
That's because OBAMA has made it PERFECTLY clear that he is incompetent when it comes to economic issues and issues that everyday Americans care about...
"People cling to guns and religion"
"The Private sector is doing fine."
"You didn't build your business"
Nothing that Obama has on Romney will touch that....
Michale.....
You see, Mitchy.. The problem is what Team Obama has on Romney, *ONLY* the Left cares about...
So, yea.. Obama has a LOT on Romney that will rock and roll Obama's base. The people who are going to vote for Obama anyways..
The Independents and NPAs?? They want JOBS...
And they know that Romney will be better at getting them jobs than Obama will be..
And THAT is why Obama will lose this election..
Michale....
You can reply once to this and that's it, agreed?
michale? reply only once? surely you can't be serious :)
"I am serious... and don't call me Shirley."
~Airplane!
not having suggested a "fantasy" VP candidate, i'd like to suggest Brett Favre. He's old enough, has enough retirements, comebacks and sex scandals to be in politics, and since leaving the NFL for the (hopefully) last time, his fantasy stats could really use a boost.
~joshua
not having suggested a "fantasy" VP candidate, i'd like to suggest Brett Favre. He's old enough, has enough retirements, comebacks and sex scandals to be in politics, and since leaving the NFL for the (hopefully) last time, his fantasy stats could really use a boost.
And don't forget, he's also been in the movies..
I was going to say he's an actor, but I wouldn't call what he did "acting".... :D
Michale.....
He could go with Captain Hindsight (http://vimeo.com/16315458) because then he could go back in time to 2000 and not pursue an aggressive neo-con foreign policy, not give the rich massive tax cuts, not ignore Wall St pushing inefficient existing regulations to the limit, not let let the banks gamble people's money and not start the sell off of America to Corporations. Oh wait... these are his policies. Captain Hindsight has already failed the vetting process. He doesn't need Mr Hindsight.
not having suggested a "fantasy" VP candidate, i'd like to suggest Brett Favre.
I was gonna recommend The Flash, but he's already working for O: http://maureenholland.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/superheros.jpg
I was gonna recommend The Flash, but he's already working for O: http://maureenholland.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/superheros.jpg
WOW!
Now THAT'S funny!!!! :D
Michale