Program Note: I must begin today's column with an apology. I had fully intended to write and run this column yesterday, but external events precluded it, and instead I spent all afternoon under the car, performing necessary repairs. It wasn't too bad -- it was 70 degrees outside and not raining (not to rub it in, for those of you actually experiencing winter...) -- but it took all my time and energy for the day, so I was not able to post the annual "banished words" column in a timely manner. My apologies.

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This is not really a column, more of a cheerful year-end program note instead, just to let everyone know.

I had every intent of sitting down today to write my annual humor installment reviewing the "banished words" for next year, but the kindly folks at the Lake Superior State University have let me down and it seems they won't be publishing the list today, but are instead waiting until the new year actually dawns to do so (they are inconsistent -- sometimes the list appears before the ball-drop, and sometimes afterwards). So you'll have to wait until at least tomorrow for that (or possibly Thursday, no promises...), due to circumstances beyond my control (sorry).

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American politics can, at times, be cyclic in nature. One party has a defining characteristic and the other party is at the opposite end of the spectrum -- but over time the pendulum can swing, and the parties wind up reversed from their previous positions. Case in point: it wasn't that long ago that congressional Democrats were known for their fractious behavior with many different factions at loggerheads with each other, to such a point that large groups of them crossing the aisle and voting with the Republicans was a regular occurrence. Charmingly enough, it was referred to as Democrats' "cat-herding problem." Cats, as we all know, are impossible to herd, since they are all fierce individualists and resist any attempts to get them all headed in the same direction. Herding the Democratic cats was seen as a Herculean (and quite possibly impossible) task.

That was only a few decades ago, mind you. Nowadays, however, it is the Democrats who are known for sticking together, which is largely the result of having very strong leaders in both the House and the Senate who were adept at twisting arms and cajoling their members to stick together. Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid demonstrated that Democrats weren't always a herd of cats, and could indeed present a unified face to the other party. These days, of course, it is the Republicans who have a cat-herding problem. The pendulum of politics has swung.

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When I first wrote this, of course, conspiracy theories were just a fun and amusing distraction for most people. These days, they're more of a worldview or way of life for far too many Americans, but I'm not going to let that stop me from re-running this, as it is my own most-favorite holiday column. So sit back and enjoy as I expose the biggest conspiracy of all time -- one that has been going on longer and affected more people than anything else imaginable.

Originally published December 23, 2009

Speaking as someone who generally enjoys a good conspiracy theory just for the "creative writing" aspect alone, in all good conscience I simply must report this shocking news: I have uncovered a big, fat conspiracy that is no mere theory. We're either being lied to, or we're joining in the propagation of the lie ourselves, with merriment. In actual fact, it would not be hyperbole to call this the father of all conspiracies.

And almost every single one of us has participated in this gigantic hoax, in one form or another, at least once in our lives. For many, it happens like clockwork on a regular basis. And it seems to prove Hitler's point about the "Big Lie" -- if you repeat it often enough, sooner or later a certain segment of the populace will accept it as being true.

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Donald Trump is a master at deflecting attention. Over and over again, he trots out some outrageous idea or catchphrase, and the media all goes chasing after it because they seemingly can't help themselves. Meanwhile, the things Trump is actually doing don't get much attention, which is the whole point of the exercise.

Case in point is Trump suddenly championing a twenty-first century American "Manifest Destiny," where he has set his sights on three pieces of real estate he'd like to add to the United States: Canada, Greenland, and the Panama Canal. Spoiler alert: none of these are serious proposals. None will actually happen. And yet they are being treated seriously (or at least semi-seriously) by people who really should know better by now.

So let's run down these three ideas, in the order of how preposterous they are (although it's tough, since they are all kind of equally preposterous, when you get right down to it).

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We thought (with all the drones buzzing around New Jersey and whatnot) that it'd be a good time to re-run this fun column from Christmases past. Enjoy, and we hope everyone gets what they wanted in their stockings tomorrow morning!

Originally published December 23, 2013

Ho, Ho, Holy Cow -- Santa Gets Fighter Escort On U.S. Military Site (Reuters)

A U.S. military website showing Santa Claus delivering his presents while guarded by warplanes has some children's advocates worried.

In a twist to its tradition of tracking an animated version of Santa Claus' sleigh and reindeer as he flies around the globe on December 24, the military is adding the animated fighter plane escort to give a realistic feel to the popular feature, said a spokesman for the North American Aerospace Defense Command.

"We wanted to let folks know that, hey, this is a NORAD video, and we're the military and this is our mission," said the spokesman, Navy Captain Jeff Davis.

[Note: The above article is real. What follows, however, is not.]

We hereby interrupt our live coverage of Pope Francis leading Midnight Mass this Christmas Eve, because we've got some breaking news from the Pentagon. We apologize for pre-empting our traditional Christmas Eve programming, and promise we will continue our coverage after the newsbreak, on a slight time delay so our viewers won't miss a single minute of the Pope.

We take you now to our Pentagon correspondent, who is awaiting the start of this extraordinary and unprecedented Christmas Eve press conference...

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[Program Note: From now until after the new year dawns, I can't promise any new columns, but there may be a few. I had intended to write about the Gaetz report today, but it took so long to get through it and make notes that that's going to have to wait until tomorrow, sorry. We'll also at some point have our "Banished Words List" annual column, and I may be motivated to write about other things happening in Washington. But again -- no promises. It's been a long month here (seems like someone stole a week between Thanksgiving and Christmas this year somehow) and I need a vacation to recharge my batteries. Anyway, hope everyone has a great holiday season, and don't forget to keep those donations coming! Our pledge drive is going very slowly this year, but I am still hoping to raise enough to cover the cost of redesigning the website next month, so please give what you can!]

Originally published December 4, 2007

When is Christmas? And why?

These are questions guaranteed to get you funny looks when you pop them, especially in a gathering of wassail-soaked relatives. But if you're tired of hearing the seemingly-eternal "this is what Uncle Fred did when he was twelve" stories, and you're leery of bringing up politics with your kin from Outer Podunk, then it's at least a conversation-starter that's somewhat neutral. Plus, you can reaffirm your nearest-and-dearests' image of you as a latte-sipping fruitcake who moved away from the glory of the heartland and now lives on (say it with an embarrassed whisper) the coast.

OK, I should stop editorializing here. After all, the subject at hand is Christmas.

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Welcome back to the second of our year-end awards columns! And if you missed it last Friday, go check out [Part 1] as well.

It was a rather eventful week in politics this week, as Elon Musk completely eclipsed Donald Trump as the biggest bomb-thrower in the Republican Party. He was so spectacularly good at blowing everything up that none other than Newt Gingrich (the original Republican bomb-thrower) suggested the incoming House of Representatives should elect him speaker. Democrats are smirking on the sidelines and calling him "President Musk," in an effort to get under Trump's infamously thin skin, so we'll have to see where all of this goes in the coming days. As of this writing, House Democrats took pity on Speaker Johnson and provided him with enough votes to pass a continuing resolution that will avoid a government shutdown at midnight -- but still, 34 Republicans voted against it. One has to wonder whether that will spark Musk's rage or not... oh, beg your pardon... we meant to say Trump's rage, of course (heh).

All we've got to say about the legislative Dumpster fire that was the past few days is: Welcome to the next few years! Buckle in, it's going to be a wild ride, that much is for certain.

But we've got to put current events aside, because it is time to finish up our year-end awards columns with this week's [Part 2] offering. As always, we must begin with a warning for all readers. It's long. Really, really long. Horrendously long. Insanely long. It takes a lot of stamina to read all the way to the end. You have been duly warned! But because it is so long, we certainly don't want to add any more here at the start, so let's just dive in, shall we?

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Well, that was quick. Donald Trump has already been eclipsed. His signature bomb-throwing style has now been outdone by the man who seemingly refuses to leave Trump's side, and who is a much bigger bomb-thrower than even Trump himself. Elon Musk is now running the government -- or, at the very least, the Republican Party's part of it. This has relegated Trump to being an afterthought, something that he's not usually very comfortable with. Will this begin to chafe? Will Trump decide to sideline Musk at some point, for the sin of overshadowing him on the political stage? We'll have to see, but we do have one suggestion for Democrats who might wish for this to happen.

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It must be a slow news month. That's the obvious explanation. But then "obvious explanations" aren't exactly newsworthy, or maybe just not entertaining enough, perhaps. It's much more fun to present all kinds of wild theories, isn't it? Which, again, is the obvious explanation for why the mainstream media keeps (pun definitely intended) droning on and on.

The story began last month in New Jersey, which was rather famously the setting for the Orson Welles 1938 radio adaptation of the H.G. Wells classic The War Of The Worlds. Alien spaceships had landed in the Garden State, and mankind was only saved in the end by the seasonal flu. A great story, a chilling adaptation of it, and a whole lot of people totally freaked out when they heard it (many of whom missed the introduction where it was explained that this was a fictional broadcast). It probably didn't help that it aired on Hallowe'en.

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